Thank you for walking away. I think about you often. I think about all the lessons our friendship taught me and all the new things I learned from you but I learned the most important lesson once you were gone. Once you were gone, I was forced to find myself. Without you around, I had no one to talk to but myself. I had nowhere to look but inside.
See, I was never told that it’s okay to look into my own darkness because if you go in there, how will you ever find the way out? I was taught to hide it, to cover it up, to present as perfect. That’s what we’re all taught, isn’t it? So that’s what I did. I lost myself in you. I piggybacked on your dreams. I kept myself safe within the confines of our friendship. But when you left, I realized how empty it all was. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
I learned that I was afraid of really knowing myself. That’s why I clung to you so tightly. When you were around, I could lose myself in you. I could care more about your problems than my own and focus on fixing you instead of seeing all of my own broken pieces. It was a defense mechanism really. You were saving me from myself, so thank you but I don’t need you to save me anymore.
Hiding myself behind you and your dreams was safe. I protected myself from the big, hairy, scary dreams that lived inside of me. Keeping the real, raw, true parts of myself within the safety of our friendship seemed like the right thing to do. It was safe to go into the darkness if I had you to help guide me out. There was comfort in that.
I wasn’t made to live comfortable.
God had something else in mind.
No more hiding. All the uncomfortable. All the out in the open. All the real and raw and true. That’s terrifying. At first, I was angry. I was angry with you and with God. I was real and raw and true in the safety of those four walls. That was good, right?
Good isn’t good enough. I was made for greatness. That’s what I needed to see.
I need to live in the light. That is where connection takes place. I go into the depths of my own darkness so that I can pull it out and into the light. Because I am not alone in my darkness, Jesus goes with me and that’s how I find the way out. So even though you going with me and carrying the light was good, it wasn’t good enough. He is the light. When He goes with me, I am strong enough to carry the weight of my own God-given dreams. I am worthy. That’s what Jesus has taught me.
I’m not afraid anymore because Jesus is a better friend than any of you, no offense.
You weren’t made to protect me. You weren’t meant to be my Trojan horse. I don’t need you. I need Jesus. I’m sorry that I tried to make you do Jesus’ job. That’s the truth I was asleep to. Your absence woke me up and I’m so thankful now.
But that’s what I learned. With less of you, and less of me, there’s more room for Him. That’s what makes me worthy. So I’m glad you’ve cleared out house, because now I’m a home.